Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
