What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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