please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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