Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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