she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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