I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
