I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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