I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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