last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
