Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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