I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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