The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
