They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize