mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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