I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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