got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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