either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
