And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
