I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
