I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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