nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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