So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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