she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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