yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
