I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
