I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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