it was like his penis was on wheels.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
