How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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