This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
