What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
