Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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