I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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