I didn't shave. On purpose
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
worst night to have a conscience
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
