i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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