So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
