I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
