He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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