so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
