Joe is yelling at the trees again.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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