I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize