A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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