I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
