mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
