I showed him my bush... on skype.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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