I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
