yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
