I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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