Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
