I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
