I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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