I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
