Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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