I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
