She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
