I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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