he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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