I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize