Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
