I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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