so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize