it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
